Put Mistakes Back Where They Belong

When people talk about learning from mistakes, they often mean it in a vague, moral, almost childish way.

You made a mistake. It hurt. So now you should know better.

But that is not what learning from mistakes actually means.

Mistakes are a problem because - when we don’t learn from them - they actually cost  us more than money, time, heartbreak, or an opportunity.

They cost us:

• the stress,

• the self-doubt,

• the replaying,

• the hesitation,

• the overworking, overdoing, and over-checking so we do not make another one,

• the staying small,

• the decision not to go for the bigger life because somewhere inside, we no longer trust ourselves to handle getting it wrong. 

That is the real problem.

Why some mistakes hook us so deeply

Not every mistake hooks us equally.

A lot of the scientists and engineers I know are not too bothered by a work mistake or a project going off track.

Why?

Because it does not fundamentally touch their identity as scientists or engineers. It does not make them think, maybe I’m not a scientist. 

But let that same person make a leadership mistake, a people mistake, a relationship mistake, or a money mistake, and it can touch them very differently.

Because those mistakes often touch an area where there is already an existing fear:

“I’m not a leader.”

“I’m not a people person.”

“I’m not good with money.”

“I’m not good at relationships.” 

And then the mistake stops being:

“Something went wrong.”

It becomes: “This proves what I feared about myself.” 

That is when people get stuck.

That is when mistakes start costing confidence, energy, courage, opportunities, bigger moves, and a bigger life. 

The place we give the mistake matters

This, to me, is the most important shift.

The place we give the mistake in the overall “stories of our life” matters.

Most people make the mistake the proof.

The end of the story.

The final truth.

The thing that sums them up.

“I lost the money.”

“I ruined the relationship.”

“I blew the leadership moment.”

“I’m not good at this.” 

But the mistake is not supposed to be the climax of your story.

It’s supposed to be the thing that disrupts “the old routine”.

The thing that reveals what needs changing.

The start of the next chapter. 

Here is what I mean:

Think about a film. Any movie you love.

There is a moment, close to the beginning of the movie, where the hero hits rock bottom. Something goes badly wrong. They lose something. They fail. They are forced to face what is not working.

But that is not the end of the movie.

That is the moment the story truly begins.

That is the moment they decide they are going to become someone else (show the mean girls, show the bullies, show their former boss or boy friend - but we all know really that they’ll be showing themselves).

Think “Elle” in Legally Blonde. She doesn’t get proposed to. She gets dumped. She gets told she can’t go to Harvard. She gets kicked out of her first class. But then she decides. This is not the end. 

Think of ANY Marvel movie 🙂

That is the place our mistakes should occupy too.

Not the ending.

Not the proof.

Not the final identity.

The beginning.

What happens when we make the mistake the climax

When we make the mistake the climax, everything after it becomes “miserable ever after”. 

That is the real danger.

Because when you make the mistake the climax, it becomes your identity.

And once it becomes your identity, it starts writing the future. 

The money mistake becomes: “I’m bad with money.”

So you avoid your finances.

You avoid your admin.

You delay decisions.

You ask too late.

You make more mistakes.

You can end up losing more money. 

The relationship mistake becomes: “I’m not good at relationships.”

So you avoid dating.

Or you date, but stay guarded.

You do not invest fully.

You wait for reassurance you have not asked for.

The other person does not know that.

You stay half in, half out.

And then it does not work, which feels like proof again. 

The leadership mistake becomes: “I’m not a good leader.”

So you avoid the hard conversations.

You lead through email.

You delay feedback.

You avoid people.

Miscommunication grows.

And then you end up in exactly the kind of situation that seems to prove your fear. 

That is why mistakes can become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Not because the original event was so powerful.

But because of the place we gave it.

The goal is to make it smaller

The goal is not to erase the mistake.

Not to deny it.

Not to minimise it.

To make it smaller. 

Smaller in the overall story.

Smaller in the amount of future it gets to dictate.

That is the goal of what I teach in my Fail-Forward Formula.

Why people struggle to do that

People struggle to make the mistake smaller because they get blocked.

Usually by blame, shame, and regret. 

And each of those keeps the mistake bigger than it needs to be.

Blame blocks responsibility, because blame takes us out of response-ability, both now and in the future. 

Shame blocks value, because shame makes it hard to get the lesson, the wisdom, the information, the value of the experience. 

Regret blocks desire, because regret keeps us from creating desire and wanting to move again. 

All three keep us out of our power. 

So if a mistake is feeling huge in someone’s life, these are often the forces making it stay huge.

How to move past blame, shame, and regret

We move past blame by taking responsibility. Not fault. Responsibility. Looking at how you responded and how you would respond differently if you could. This will be “your road” for the rest of the journey.

We move past shame by extracting value. What did the mistake reveal? What values were not displayed in that moment? What does this tell me about the kind of person I want to be? This will be “who you want to be” for the rest of the journey.

We move past regret by finding desire again. What is this pointing me toward? What do I still want? This will be the “quest” for the rest of the journey.

This is what learning from mistakes actually looks like.

Not forgive and forget.

Not beat yourself up and hope it changes you.

But move from:

blame to responsibility,

shame to value,

regret to desire.

A practical way to do that

One of the simplest ways I know to do this is through evaluation.

After a mistake, after you’ve let your emotions through, when you can sit down with a piece of paper, ask yourself 5 simple questions:

• What worked?

• What didn’t work?

• What would I do differently?

• What values were not displayed in that moment?

• What desire is this pointing me to?

It is essential that you begin with WHAT WORKED.

Your brain will naturally want to jump to the negative. But every situation, every project, and every year includes both things that worked and things that didn’t. Starting with what worked brings your brain out of negativity and into logic.

When emotions are high, intelligence is low.

This process helps you shift back into critical thinking.

After that, move to WHAT DIDN’T WORK.

Avoid self-judgment. Stick to facts—things you could prove in a court of law.

Think like a scientist analysing data from an experiment.

Once you know what worked and what didn’t, move to WHAT YOU WILL DO DIFFERENTLY.

This final step is your roadmap, your action plan. Be detailed and specific. 

Having answered those first 3 questions, you’ll now be in place to “zoom out” and look at what values were not displayed in the moment - not just by you, by the other persons. It will show you what values are important to you, what values you might want to uphold moving forward.

Having answered those questions, knowing exactly your way forward, you should now feel some of your desire to move forward. It might take the form of a little inkling or a big rush of energy.

These questions change the experience of your mistake because they shrink it.

It stops being one giant emotional blob.

It becomes specific.

Usable.

Information.

A roadmap for “what next”. 

And that matters, because once the mistake becomes specific, it becomes much harder for it to keep masquerading as identity.

Final thoughts

People make mistakes.

All the time.

Successful people probably make more than others.

The difference is what they make it mean.

The difference is how long it takes them out.

So think of that mistake that’s been weighing you down, and ask yourself:

What story do I want to tell 6 months from now?

This is the kind of work I do with clients: helping them stop mistakes, stress, and self-doubt take their energy away from their ambition and life balance goal.

To work with me, book a free online consultation to discuss where you are, where you’d like to be, and how we could work together.